“Be soft on the people, hard on the problem.”
— Roger Fisher, William Ury, and Bruce Patton, Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (1981)
Getting to Yes offers a method called “principled negotiation” — a way to resolve conflict without caving in or escalating into battle. It insists that agreements can be firm and fair while preserving relationships. For those in recovery, this mirrors what the Steps teach: conflicts can be faced honestly — with others, with oneself, with our addiction — without destroying relationships or losing ourselves in the process. Compassion toward people and firmness against problems can coexist. The book offers four principles that light the way.
Separate the people from the problem: In addiction, the two often blur. Anger makes the other person the enemy. Recovery teaches the pause: the problem is resentment, fear, or unmet expectation — not the person. Step Four inventories and Step Ten spot-checks help practice this separation. Accountability without condemnation becomes possible.
Focus on interests, not positions: Positions are rigid: I’m right, they’re wrong. Interests are deeper: safety, respect, connection. When we look beneath the surface, common ground often appears. In recovery, this means asking what need a craving or anger really points to. Comfort? Belonging? Relief? Once identified, healthier paths emerge — through fellowship, service, or quiet reflection.
Invent options for mutual gain: When conflict flares, thinking shrinks to either/or: win or lose. Recovery invites creativity. Perhaps the answer isn’t one way or the other, but a third way — forgiveness, compromise, letting go. In Step Nine, making amends often requires imagining solutions that respect both parties’ dignity. This applies even internally with our addiction: instead of white-knuckling abstinence or surrendering to cravings, recovery offers addressing the underlying need in a way that serves both sobriety and wellbeing. The mutual gain is discovering that what truly serves us also serves our recovery.
Insist on objective criteria: Left to ego, fairness bends to serve the self. The book suggests using standards — law, precedent, expert advice — that both sides can trust. In recovery, those standards are spiritual principles such as honesty, willingness, humility and integrity. When emotions run high, one can ask: What do the Steps suggest here? What would integrity look like? That compass prevents being led by impulse.
What becomes clear in practicing these four principles is how much conflict exists within as well as without. The negotiation isn’t always with another person — sometimes it’s with fear, with old patterns, with our addiction itself. Getting to Yes reminds us there’s a middle path between escalation and surrender. Softness toward people, firmness against problems. The real “yes” being reached for is serenity, and sometimes that means negotiating peace with one’s own restless mind first.
Am I willing to see the person apart from the problem?
Can I name the deeper needs behind my rigid positions?
When conflict arises, will I open to creative, unexpected solutions?
And when I feel lost, will I let spiritual principles — not ego — guide what’s fair?
